the roller coaster

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Originally uploaded by grendelsdj

you know that part in the movie parenthood where mary steenbergen and steve martin are having the conversation about her being pregnant and whether or not he will eat crow and go back to his job as they are getting ready to go to one of the kids plays. the grandmother interrupts and tells the little story about how she always liked to ride the roller coaster but some people didn't. then the film makers totally ruin the subtlety and make roller coaster sounds a little later as their little bastard trashes the school play in a "gosh what an adorable disaster" kind of way. i am on the roller coaster.

i like the moving, i like being on the precipice of change, but i've been standing on the precipice of so many changes without going over for so long that i hardly believe that it is real this time. which i am slightly frightened by considering we close on monday and have to be out of our house completely bu june 10th. which was a bit of a surprise. so much for a leisurely move in, looks like we will be having the usual.

and still, i am unable to take any of it too seriously.

on a different note, i just finished reading the death of ivan ilyich the other night and it has me all drawn into mental fits. it is impossible not to see the similarities between ivan ilyich and my dad, and considering that it is told primarily from ivan's point of view, i am finding a sympathy that i didn't have before. and one that is far too late in coming i guess. i've also recently made some interesting leaps in self-awareness about my orphaness and how i have stayed an orphan because of my own adherence to silly propriety. it's a good read. i recommend it.

ok, i can scratch blogging off my list of things to do today.

daisy

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Originally uploaded by grendelsdj

okay okay, it's been a billion years....

so in the last month i have had a couple of nervous breakdowns and a bucket full of temper tantrums, but i seem to be better now.

i have stopped worrying about school. whatever. i have actually started planning my summer vacation so part of me obviously hopes that i have no school obligations in june. pikes peak and london gay town sound infinitely more exciting than spending the summer in the cadaver lab, but it really is what i want to do. i just have to accept that not everyone thinks i am as exceptional as cj, shawn, griffin, brenda, sister amy, and everyone else who knows me and doesn't hate me. (i am not actually sure that the people who hate me don't think i am exceptional; likely they believe me to be an exceptional asshole, which i can be...)

i will simply have to be patient and persistent. these are not inherent virtues of mine.

dooo dee doooo

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Originally uploaded by grendelsdj

the picture isn't really important. it's just a pretty picture i took once upon a time.

we go to highlands after i get off work today. we were supposed to go last night, i was not suppossed to be at work today but somehow in my careless malaise over the last week or so i failed to inform the proper authorities that i needed to do so, then i was sick tuesday and wednesday, and it would look really bad if i didn't show up the day before spring break. so, i am being a grown up and sitting at work worrying about tomorrow. because that is doing everyone a great big favor. i know that sounds bitter, but i am only a littler bitter and only at myself for not getting it together enough to not be in this situation.

so highlands tomorrow and dad's memorial. then this will all be over for the most part. there will be various things to do when selling stuff or signing stuff away, but there will be no more pomp or circumstance after that which we are planning. (btw-and by pomp i mean beer, and by cicumstance i mean crawfish.)

is it bad if the police come to a funeral? i really hope this goes well.

u feetz smell bad....

u feetz smell bad
Originally uploaded by grendelsdj

...but at leezt dey smellz liek feetz and not old stinky huase.

so it is wednesday. i might not get to breathe until march 15th. the memorial for pops is on the 14th and there is simply too much too do before then.

sister amy, cj, and i made the first foray into cleaning the house this past weekend. though there was a fair share of grossness, much of the sting was taken out of the job since my uncle has been working on the place. having said that, we did find a fully articulated rat skeleton and a roach burial ground that is surely servicing at least 47 of the 48 contiguous united states. we made a great deal of progress in a short amount of time and no one vomited. yay.

*hopefully* i will find out the location of dad's memorial today. i am crossing my fingers that we will be able to rent out the vfw hall in baytown so we don't actually have to do this at dad's house. and i will get to stay howme this weekend and get some damn sleep.

i must be depressed because there just isn't enough sleep n the universe right now and this on the brink of losing yet one more hour.

xo-jp

sunday

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Originally uploaded by grendelsdj

thanks to hieu, i can now blog. everybody say, "thank hieu!"

now the obligatory hieu/you joke has been made, i can get on to other things. i have been horrible about writing. seriously i have not written anything, anything, in like a year.

i've gotten over being angry at the stupid grad school letter i received friday. i am still not happy to be waiting, but i should not let other people determine my future, regardless of any other factors. i am here because i chose to be here, if i do not want to be here, i should leave and accept the consequences.

i know these things. i really do, but i have a hard time not slipping into old behaviors and modes of thinking when i get stressed. i'm being silly. enough of that.

happy sunday to all.
jennyp

angry photoshop

angry photoshop
Originally uploaded by grendelsdj

today, i am angry. the anger is born of an overwhelming amount of frustration and impatience. i am trying to settle it down a bit and making angry photoshops help.

the letter i was waiting on, that was supposed to tell me which path i will be taking for the next three years, told me instead that i'm going to have to wait another couple of weeks for someone else to tell me what my life will be. i hate being at the mercy of other people. i hate the idea that my decisions and my life are dependent on someone else.

and that's the way it is.

jp

lady hump day

yay it's wednesday!

ok, so i'm not going to post a lot of photos here, that's what flickr is for, and now that cara has discovered flickr love, it's updated almost everyday. there is a link on the right that will take you there, or you can go to http://flickr.com/photos/grendelsdj and see teh same thing. this blog will be primarily devoted to writing. i need to write. a lot. it is the saline wash of my soul.

i would just like to say a few things today. first of all, and this may seem redundant but obviously not everyone sees it that way, fat people should not wear skinny pants. and by skinny pants, i mean that particular cut of jean, not just pants that are too small. even pants that are too small look better than skinny muffin pants. *shudder* why would you intentionally do that? i'm a fat girl and know that no matter how punk/mod i want to look, i just can't pull off the skinny jean, literally.

secondly, as much as i would like to be starting pt school in a month, i am so excited about my upcoming two month paid vacation. and my job is pretty cool. the kids are doing taks right now which is giving me a chance to get more familiar with the collection here and to do some research on new acquisitions. i love that bonnie totally handed the graphic novel section over to me to maintain. my job rocks.

thirdly, we did not get to go camping this weekend because the weather went all bipolar on us. so, i did what comes naturally, i sulked. seriously, i sulked all day saturday. dum dum dum. so i drove out to where we would have camped on sunday and it's a pretty cool park. not the most beautiful by any means, but the campsites are super secluded and it has 35 miles worth of trails for hiking and biking. we will definitely have to go back to ride there.

i think we are going to try and go camping this weekend either at hill country (discussed above) or at pace bend if we don't want to take the bikes. i am so excited about trying out our new camping hammocks that i will sleep in the yard if need be.

fourthly, i love architecture in helsinki, the band, although i'm sure the buildings there are nice too. because of them and muscles i am going to start paying a lot more attention to pop coming out of australia.

fifthly, i want to go to australia. or mexico, or the bahamas, or anyplace with a pretty beach. i am in such a beach mood. i have been for awhile. i need me some sun and sand, but nobody else i know likes the beach at all. cj is supposed to be learning to swim better but as our last trip to the pool was a complete disaster, the goggles we got her might go unused forever and i will never get to the beach. boo. oh well. there is always the river. the beautiful river.

i'll end on that cool blue note.

xoxo-jp

caturday post

ok, so here's a post. i've been meaning to write another post but we have been amazingly busy over the last couple of weeks.

i am happy with my job at akins high school. it's been a period of adjustment, having a job and all. and working with high school kids is going to be a challenge to my zen, but it will be good.

we've had some other issues: a death in the family and grendel and marco trying to kill each other, the result of which has meant bathing grendel twice a day. on top of that, i've been trying to get all of my plants and seeds in the ground and keep it all watered, blah blah blah....

in other pet news, all but one of the golden girls (chickens) are laying now. one of them is laying giganto-eggs. they are like 40% larger than normal eggs. it's crazy.

vs.

impressive, no?

this weekend we are having a zombie party and i'm hoping to get new front page up to my website. i would like to start using it more than i have, it would be nice to integrate flickr and blogger into my site. we shall see.

maybe i try and write tomorrow too.

xoxo-jp

out with the old, in with the new

and so it goes. the old blog is no more. i didn't delete it exactly, but it is also not available on the web as of now. if you want to see the pictures that were once on this blog, check out my flickr page. any pics i post here will also be available there.

what's going on these days:

-cj and i are having fun, doing stuff

- i just started my summer garden. tomatoes and the like.

- i start my newest job in a week, because i did not get selected for the physical therapy program this year. that was quite a blow, but i think i am recovering now.

- brenda and i have started our young adult novel. we have a couple of chapters, it's really exciting. i want to have it completed by mid summer.

- christmas brought me the most mazing thing, the sony dsc-h9. i love my camera more than all of my dogs put together.

- cj and i are training for the danskin in june. i've been jogging around 6-7 miles a week and swimming 4-5. i have not been riding my bike like i should, but i just took it in for a tune up so there will be no excuses when i get it back.

so, i'm sure i will have lots to say in the next couple of months. i have missed writing regularly. you'll have to cut me a bit of a break though. give me a couple of weeks to get back in the groove.

hugs and kisses to all- jennyp